Four Easy Steps To Get What You What

(or at least increasing the chances of getting what you want!)

Sometimes we can feel easily irritated by family members or colleagues because we feel that we have not been understood.   It takes conscious effort, non-judgement and awareness to identify and articulate our own needs and carefully listen to what others may be needing.  Marshall B. Rosenburg, Phd, the author of Non-Violent Communication, gives a four step process which can be helpful in making any communication better.  These four steps of communication are Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests.

The first step, “Observation” is when we describe an event or a situation that we want to talk about.  The second step, “Feelings” is when we identify and articulate the emotion that is being felt.  The third step, “Needs” is when we reflect on the emotion and identify the actual need.  The last step, “Requests” is when we ask for something that we feel may help us meet our need.  The key word here is “request” and not “demand.”  A request is an unconditional way of asking without getting upset if we do not get what we want.    

Some years back, not too long after I had read Marshall Rosenburg’s book, I remembered a day when I was feeling irritated and at that moment I had put the “4 step process” in use.  As I had reflected on my irritation, I realized that although I was feeling irritated by the fact that my husband was spending endless hours on the computer, my real need was that I wanted a little social time with him.   So I said to him, “Honey, I’m feeling a little lonesome, I would love to have your company right now.” He immediately responded and joined me for a cozy chit chat.  Try it sometime!

The four step process can also be used not only while listening to our own inner dialogue but also when listening to others to find out what they really need and what they really are requesting.  When we are consciously communicating, we will most likely be following these steps naturally, however, it is good to check in with ourselves and make sure we are communicating effectively from a place of kindness, non-judgment and clarity. Happy chatting!

"The most important thing in communication
is to hear what isn't being said."
~Peter F. Drucker~